Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.