Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
