Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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