I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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