A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
