he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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