So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
