i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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