after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My ass is underappreciated
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
