i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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