so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
