Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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