Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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