Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I will be naked everywhere
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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