i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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