I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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