one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
