Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
