tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
