just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
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Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
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the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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