well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
