so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
