Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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