I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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