Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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