so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
