im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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