I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
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i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's