I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"