I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up