I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
3pm strippers are depressing
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity