worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
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he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
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Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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