Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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