I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
