dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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