You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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