Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
