id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize