I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
