So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
