If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
