If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
