Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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