She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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