Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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