On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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