I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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