my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
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You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
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idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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