He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
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bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
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He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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