"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
