you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
