i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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