toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He keeps bees of course he's weird
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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