well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
