Dude, you need to talk to your mom
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
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Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing