I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.