life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
