My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
