dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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