peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
