Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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